Naso, Bamidbar 5:12. Matnos Kehuna/Sota. Gifts and Family Dynamics

Brachos 63a: The Gemara asks, why is the pasuk stating that “ish es kodoshov lo yihiyeh,” ("to each man shall belong his tithes", which teaches that a farmer has the right to decide who will receive his tithes) next to the parsha of Sotah? The Gemara answers that the first pasuk has an additional homiletic meaning: If a person neglilgently retains his trumah and ma’asros in his house, if he doesn't distribute them to the kohanim with alacrity, in the end he will need to seek out a kohen to resolve his wife’s Sotah status.



Some years ago, the Rosh Yeshiva of Lomza in Petach Tikva, Rabbi Ozeir, was in my home, and he told me an excellent pshat in this smichus. It doesn’t mean that the dilatory husband is punished through his wife’s bad behavior. Such a thing is not possible--why would his wife’s behavior be influenced by his aveira? Instead, the Gemara is not introducing a new meaning into the pasuk: the Gemara is referring to the literal legal meaning of the first pasuk: that unlike tzedaka, which a person is obligated to give to the first poor man that asks for it, a person has a din of tovas hana’ah by matnos kehuna, as we learn from “lo yihiyeh”, and one may refuse to give his tithes to a kohen that requests it, and instead give all his tithes to the kohen with whom he has a special relationship. Why is this so? Why shouldn’t any kohen be able to demand that a homeowner tender whatever tithes he has in the house, just like a poor man can when asking for tzedaka? The answer is, that the Torah wants a person to establish a relationship with a talmid chochom, whom he sees as his rebbi. It is better that each person have ‘his kohen,' to whom he gives all his matanos. If, then a person is mafrish trumos and maisros, and he doesn’t give them to anyone, that shows that he doesn’t respect and love any kohanim, and that he has no such relationship to a rebbi. (The kohen was assumed to be the rebbi who is dedicated to limud and harbotzas torah--sifsei kohen yishmeru da’as.) "I should give it to him? Who is he?! When I find a Kohen that really knows how to learn, that deserves my respect, then I'll give it to him, but I don’t know anyone around here like that." If the head of the household lacks respect for talmidei chachomim, and doesn’t have a rebbi to whom he listens, his attitude will percolate through his family, and his wife and children will not have any respect for the local spiritual leaders. The madriega of yiras shomayim in his home will deteriorate to the point that his family will not have the strength to withstand the yetzer hora. Asei lecha Rav! If you don't, you'll have to find one to save you when your family life self-destructs.

This is a good time for each of us to think about whether we have a personal relationship with a Rav; whether it's a "mashpi'ah," or a Poseik, or your local Rabbi, or a Rosh Yeshiva, or anyone in in that category. When Chazal said "Asei lecha Rav" they did not mean that you should only choose someone who is like Moshe Rabbeinu. They want us to have someone to whom we feel we need to answer, someone whose opinion matters to us, someone to whom we always turn when we don't know what to do. I don't think this means that we need to abandon our free will. In life questions, sometimes, perhaps, we might ask for advice but choose a different path. But at least we need to have someone we ask, whom we respect, and to whom we bring our halacha questions. It is having the Rav, having the relationship, that is of the primary importance-- for our own good, as well as for the good of our family relationships.

Coincidentally, the Chasam Sofer says something here that dovetails with this. The Chasam Sofer says that we find that the Gemara in two places talks about things that can generate a good parnasah— aseir te’aser (Brochos 63a), giving tithes, and mechabeid ishto yoseir migufo, honoring your wife more than you honor yourself. The Gemara (Bava Metzia 59) says that you should be mechabdah yoser meigufo because the parnasah of the house comes in her zechus. So a person might say, instead of being zocheh to ashirus through tzedoka, he’ll do it through mechabda. He will buy her nice clothes and jewelry simply as a segulah to become wealthy. Buy her a platinum and diamond Hamsa! (That will not only make you rich, it will also protect you from an Ayin Hara!) The Chasam Sofer says that if he does this, he accomplishes nothing. Mechabdah only works if your motive is to be m’chabeid her. Simply draping her with jewelry as a segulah is not called m’chabdah. In fact, it might have a negative effect– people will be so attracted to her that she will be tempted to be mezaneh-- which leads to the parsha of Sotah. If, on the other hand, you actually are mechabdah because you respect and love her, the kavod she perceives in the gifts will strengthen the relationship.

Just as the level of your respect for talmidei chachamim influences your family’s attitude toward da’as Torah, and a haughty and egoistic perspective is self-destructive, and will rot your family’s middos from within, while humbly accepting the authority of Talmidei Chachamim will raise your respect from members of your family, so, too, your selfless respect for your wife– honoring her not because her status reflects upon you, but because she is an independent person worthy of your respect– ultimately reflects back upon you yourself.

These ideas share this element: One should not feel that his support of his Rebbi, or his spouse, demonstrates his largesse and benevolence. Supporting a Rebbi, and honoring one's spouse, is a lucky opportunity that you should be grateful for. The one who appears to be the patron needs to realize that he is, in truth, the beneficiary.

After posting this, someone wrote me that he disagreed with the dynamics of Rabbi Ozeir's vort. He said that he believed that a husband that lets his wife see that he follows a particular rabbi will be scorned by his wife: a wife needs to see that her husband is a manly man, a man who is capable of making his own decisions, not a unctuous nebach'el. In case his comment is marginally above being unworthy of notice, I would say that his comment is a symptom of two pathologies: self esteem and marital relationships.

UPDATE JUNE 2023:

I heard this from my son R Shlomo, a Ram in Staten Island. He heard it from Tzvi Miller from R Avraham Yeshaya Rosenman (Menahel of Stamford) from R Meir Herskowitz R Ahron's talmid. 

Reb Ahron held that עשה לך רב applies no matter who the לך is and who the רב is. He needed to have a rav, and he took on R Yitzchok Feigelstock to be his rav. 

Rav Feigelstock once told him that in a certain sichsuch R Ahron had with R Hutner, that he felt that R Ahron was too sharp in how he acted. Reb Ahron said that he held that what he did was right, but since R Feiglstock said so, he would ask mechila. He called up R Hutner and told he that he wanted to meet him. R Hutner said cholila that you should come to me, I will come to you. They eventually decided to meet in middle, and R Ahron asked mechilla.

This story emphasizes the important of being machnia yourelf to someone, no matter who you are, no matter what you hold. 

Nasso, Bamidbar 6:5. Nezirus and the Path to Enlightenment

The Netziv here in his Haamek Davar explains that there are two different types of nezirus. There is a a nezirus which is intended to raise the level of kedusha; this Nezirus requires avoidance of a meis because ruach hakodesh is not shoreh in sadness, but only during simcha shel mitzvah. But there is another type of Nezirus, which is intended to help a person vanquish his Yetzer Hora. As Rashi says, a person that is exposed to wicked people should temporarily avoid worldly pleasures in order to overcome that negative influence. Why would such a Nazir have to avoid a meis? The Netziv answers that he, too, is trying to become a kodosh, and so he must also avoid things that interfere with ruach hakodesh. As Reb Yaakov Kaminecki writes in his Emes Le’Yakov in the beginning of Parshas Kedoshim, there was a time, long ago, that certain individuals accepted what was called "Chavrus," which entailed the avoidance of all types of Tumah, although there is no such requirement for a non-Cohen, and there is no evidence in the Torah that there is any benefit in doing so. He explains that for people who are on a certain level of kedusha, avoiding tumah is a part of the mitzvah of Kedoshim Tihyu.)

Evidently, the common man’s path to simple avoidance of the Yetzer Hara parallels the path to prophecy. Why is this so?

All men are capable of knowing truth, but very few consciously realize that truth. This is not merely because their yetzer hara pushes them into denial, but because their conscious mind simply cannot see it. This honest awareness is called an aspaklaria ha’me’ira. Aspaklaria is related to the Latin word Speculum, which means a mirror. This derives from Specere, which is "to see." Thus, Aspaklaria is the equivalent of a seeing glass, or a observation point. In the context of Ruach Hakodesh, the similarity between a window and a mirror is very important. A window, although transparent, can sometimes obscure the view and reflect the observer. This phenomenon is used in what we call "one way mirrors," usually very thin sheets of mylar. The person on the dark side can see the light side, while the person on the light side only sees his reflection. This is because these reflect half of the light and let half the light through. So the people on each side will see half the light from their side reflected, and half the light from the other side transmitted. Assigning numbers to the brightness, let us say that the bright light is 10 and the dim, 5. The person on the 5 side will see 2.5 reflected and 5 transmitted from the bright side. The 5 will obscure the 2.5, and he will see the transmitted image. The person on the 10 side will see 5 reflected and 2.5 transmitted, so he will only see his own reflection, the 2.5 being obscured by the 5.

An Aspaklaria is a glass and a mirror. If you see yourself, if you are a baal gaavah, if you believe that light and truth emanate from your own ideas and preconceptions, then you will not be able to see the light that is coming through. An anav, who does not focus on his own reflection, will see the image that is transmitted from the other side. This is the idea of nevua as seeing through an aspaklaria--if you are seeing yourself, you cannot benefit from the supernal light that reveals the truth. A clear view through the mirrored aspaklaria is the same as the clear vision of the nevi’im. See Rambam Hakdama to Pirkei Avos-Shemona Perakim- Perek 7, about the mechitza that iterferes with nevu’a. The effort and skill needed to attain it is the same, and the rarity of attaining that great goal is the same. Rational people, who realize that they can never see the future, delude themselves into thinking that they know what they really are. In fact, though, their preconception of what and who they are, their self-important belief that only what is empirically evident to their senses and mind is reliable, obscures the truth from them.

Sometimes, thanks to a good liberal education, a person does acquire some insight, and finds an interior so desolate and ugly, and the prospect for improvement so small, that the self-hate that arises expresses itself as hatred for others.

Thus, for a person to become a ben aliya, to change and do teshuva, he must be able to see inside himself with a true vision. This vision can only be attained through an effort that parallels that of a person who seeks ruach hakodesh. In both cases, they need to come to a point where, as Reb Meir Simcha says in Bamidbor 11:17, they have to come "ahd she’hachomer lo hoyo chotzeitz."