It is an irony of mourning that the greater the loss, the more the family feels comforted. It would seem that if one would tell the aveil that the person who died did not really matter, they really didn't lose that much, and the world goes on. Imagine that someone had a priceless, unique glass vase, and it fell off of the shelf and shattered. Will he feel better if you tell him how beautiful it was? How irreplaceable? If the niftar was such a precious and important person, then how much greater the loss! But that's not the case. Telling how wonderful the niftar was, in so many ways, and to so many people, comforts the aveil. Why is this?
Shabbos 152a-ab
אָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה: מֵת שֶׁאֵין לוֹ מְנַחֲמִין — הוֹלְכִין עֲשָׂרָה בְּנֵי אָדָם וְיוֹשְׁבִין בִּמְקוֹמוֹ. הָהוּא דִּשְׁכֵיב בְּשִׁבָבוּתֵיהּ דְּרַב יְהוּדָה, לֹא הָיוּ לוֹ מְנַחֲמִין, כׇּל יוֹמָא הֲוָה דָּבַר רַב יְהוּדָה בֵּי עַשְׂרָה, וְיָתְבִי בְּדוּכְתֵּיהּ. לְאַחַר שִׁבְעָה יָמִים אִיתְחֲזִי לֵיהּ בְּחֶילְמֵיהּ דְּרַב יְהוּדָה, וַאֲמַר לֵיהּ: תָּנוּחַ דַּעְתְּךָ שֶׁהִנַּחְתָּ אֶת דַּעְתִּי.
This thought is brought in Yoreh Deiah, (although the Rama says it is not done exactly as the Gemara says.)
יורה דעה שע״ו:ג
מת שאין לו אבלים להתנחם באים עשרה בני אדם כשרים ויושבים במקומו כל ז' ימי האבלות ושאר העם מתקבצים עליהם ואם לא היו שם עשרה קבועים בכל יום ויום מתקבצים עשרה משאר העם ויושבים במקומו: הגה ולא ראיתי נוהגין כן וכתוב במהרי"ל נוהגים להתפלל בעשרה כל ז' במקום שנפטר שם האדם והיינו על אדם שלא הניח קרובים ידועים להתאבל עליו אבל יש לו בשום מקום שמתאבלים עליו אין צריך (וכזה ראוי לנהוג):
What is the point of Nichum Aveilim if there are no aveilim? The only possible explanation is that Nichum Aveilim is not only for the living, it is for the niftar as well. The Niftar needs tanchumin. He has had a traumatic and confusing experience, and he needs to hear that he is missed, that people care about him, that he made a difference in the world, and that he still makes a difference in the world of the living.
I remember when Reb Moshe was sitting shiva for his sister, Rebbitzen Small, some said to him "המקום ינחם אותך," because he was sitting alone. He corrected them and said that even when there is only one aveil, you say אתכם, the plural, because the neshama is also being מקבל תנחימין.
I believe that when people speak of the good qualities and achievements of the niftar, this is a great consolation to the neshama. Everyone that is sitting shiva is part of one bond, a tzeror hachaim, that binds together the aveilim and the niftar. When the neshama feels consolation, everyone else feels a burden being removed from their shoulder. Suddenly, the grief is more bearable. The neshama feels relief, and without even knowing why, the aveilim sense that relief, and the cloud lifts, just a little bit.
I was speaking to someone about the nifteres, and she said that the quality that immediately comes to mind is נעימות, pleasantness, kindness. But we are not talking about a superficial pleasantness, the kind of pleasant that gives rise to the word "pleasantries," a ritualistic, saccharine, non-committal "How are you?" Fine! That's nice" kind of platitude. The נעימות we are talking of something categorically different.
In Neila, when Yom Kippur is about to end, we are beyond Al chet, we are beyond the recitation of sins, and we ask, several times, Ribono shel Olam, save me from "Oshek." למען נחדל מעושק ידינו. What is this Oshek? Oshek means withholding from another what they are entitled to, what you ought to be giving them. Why is this what we pray for Hashem's assistance to avoid it at Neila? How hard is it to avoid? Oshek is mentioned twice in the Torah. In fact, we just had it in Parshas Ki Seitzei, Devarim 24:14-15
לא תעשק שכיר עני ואביון מאחיך או מגרך אשר בארצך בשעריך
ביומו תתן שכרו ולא תבוא עליו השמש כי עני הוא ואליו הוא נשא את־נפשו ולא יקרא עליך אל ה' והיה בך חטא
Rashi says that the repetition in the Torah is because one issur is not enough. It is a terrible sin and it needs a double issur. And, evidently, it is very hard to overcome! Why?
Because for most people, sympathy means that the other is a mirror that reflects your own face. You don't really see them at all. I remember how bad I felt for my mother zichronah livracha, who suffered from crippling and painful arthritis in her knees in her last years. But when I wrenched my knee, and needed to wear a brace for a month, suddenly I had much more sympathy for my mother. It's sad, but it's true.
When a laborer works for you, and you owe him ten dollars, it's easy to say "I'll pay him tomorrow." That is because if you have ten dollars, it is not a lot of money. But if you do not have ten dollars, then it is all the money in the world. The Torah says "It is his life! Don't you dare put off paying him even for one night!"
It's not just money, not by far. People have serious emotional needs. They need a thank you, a smile, a sympathetic ear, and sometimes they need good advice, but most of all they need for someone to care. You, and only you, have the ability to help this person, but we so often simply don't think about it. Nobody realizes it, nobody pays attention, אין איש שם על לב, and they go beaten down, hungry and miserable and lonely. That is עושק! The person has great need, and you don't even realize how much they need you. Mrs. ........... had that goodness and the emotional wisdom, that נעימות! that nourished people, that filled a deep need in their souls.
Mrs. ............. was a role model. Her extraordinary family has many great qualities, as everyone knows, Baruch Hashem. But this might be the greatest of them all - this rare quality of hers, this נעימות, this is a hallmark of her entire family. It is right and good that those that love her shed precious tears for her, and those tears are the greatest consolations for a nifteres. But the time for tears is coming to an end. I hope that she has real tanchumin knowing how much she is loved and missed, and of how she changed the lives of so many people, in the family and far beyond. So, too, may the whole family be comforted knowing how proud she is of them, of what they are, and of what they will continue to be, and may the words of David Hamelech be said for her and the entire family,
ויהי נעם ה' אלקינו עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו
Rav Chaim Brown sent in the following:
