Exploiting the Newly Dead

 Thinking about the interplay of the two themes of Purim, that it a special time of ratzon for Hashem to answer our Tefillos, and we, here on Earth, give tzedaka to whoever asks for it- deserving or not כל הפושט יד נותנים לו- reminded me of the crass self interest we see at funerals.

Every levaya people ask the niftar for mechila. I have been told that many gedolim say that asking a recent niftar to be a meilitz yosher or for help in shidduchim or for anything else is not right, because they are suddenly immersed in the most terrifying time of their existence (even Reb Yochanan ben Zakai  ברכות כח ע"ב), when they and the Beis Din shel Maalah review their lives, what they did, what they failed to do, and all the inconceivably enormous consequences of those deeds and misdeeds and failures, all masks and delusions and excuses are ripped away and they face the ultimate and terrible truth, and they really have neither the time nor the inclination to put in a good word for you. 

But the fact is that people say "please be mochel me if I this, or that, or whatever." Why? I think this is because you have the nifter over a barrel.  This soul that is about to be judged, when you ask them to be mochel you, they know very well that this is not the time to say "No, I will not be mochel you, you hurt me, you cheated me, you ignored me, you wronged me," and so on. A soul that is unwilling to be mochel is asking for trouble. במדה שאדם מודד בו מודדים לו. The judges on the Heavenly Court would rightly say "You aren't mochel, and you ask for mechila? You are such a kapdan, we should be mevateir?" Even on erev Yom Kippur, this is a major theme of the תפילה זכה . So the niftar has no choice. Even if you really wronged him, and really do not deserve the mechila, you'll get it anyway.  I think that's pretty nasty. If you want mechilla, figure out a way to undo the wrong you did. Do mitzvos in his or her name, give tzedaka, learn mishnayos, build an orphanage, whatever. But don't take advantage of the nifter's terror to get what you don't deserve just by asking mechila.  I personally hope that when I die, people will walk by and say they're mochel me. That would be a nice thing to do. 

Words at a Shloshim Siyum Mishnayos

It is an irony of mourning that the greater the loss, the more the family feels comforted. It would seem that if one would tell the aveil that the person who died did not really matter, they really didn't lose that much, and the world goes on. Imagine that someone had a priceless, unique glass vase, and it fell off of the shelf and shattered. Will he feel better if you tell him how beautiful it was? How irreplaceable?  If the niftar was such a precious and important person, then how much greater the loss! But that's not the case. Telling how wonderful the niftar was, in so many ways, and to so many people, comforts the aveil.  Why is this?

Shabbos 152a-ab

אָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה: מֵת שֶׁאֵין לוֹ מְנַחֲמִין — הוֹלְכִין עֲשָׂרָה בְּנֵי אָדָם וְיוֹשְׁבִין בִּמְקוֹמוֹ. הָהוּא דִּשְׁכֵיב בְּשִׁבָבוּתֵיהּ דְּרַב יְהוּדָה, לֹא הָיוּ לוֹ מְנַחֲמִין, כׇּל יוֹמָא הֲוָה דָּבַר רַב יְהוּדָה בֵּי עַשְׂרָה, וְיָתְבִי בְּדוּכְתֵּיהּ. לְאַחַר שִׁבְעָה יָמִים אִיתְחֲזִי לֵיהּ בְּחֶילְמֵיהּ דְּרַב יְהוּדָה, וַאֲמַר לֵיהּ: תָּנוּחַ דַּעְתְּךָ שֶׁהִנַּחְתָּ אֶת דַּעְתִּי.

This thought is brought in Yoreh Deiah, (although the Rama says it is not done exactly as the Gemara says.)

יורה דעה שע״ו:ג

מת שאין לו אבלים להתנחם באים עשרה בני אדם כשרים ויושבים במקומו כל ז' ימי האבלות ושאר העם מתקבצים עליהם ואם לא היו שם עשרה קבועים בכל יום ויום מתקבצים עשרה משאר העם ויושבים במקומו: הגה ולא ראיתי נוהגין כן וכתוב במהרי"ל נוהגים להתפלל בעשרה כל ז' במקום שנפטר שם האדם והיינו על אדם שלא הניח קרובים ידועים להתאבל עליו אבל יש לו בשום מקום שמתאבלים עליו אין צריך (וכזה ראוי לנהוג):

What is the point of Nichum Aveilim if there are no aveilim? The only possible explanation is that Nichum Aveilim is not only for the living, it is for the niftar as well. The Niftar needs tanchumin. He has had a traumatic and confusing experience, and he needs to hear that he is missed, that people care about him, that he made a difference in the world, and that he still makes a difference in the world of the living.

I remember when Reb Moshe was sitting shiva for his sister, Rebbitzen Small, some said to him "המקום ינחם אותך," because he was sitting alone. He corrected them and said that even when there is only one aveil, you say אתכם, the plural, because the neshama is also being מקבל תנחימין. 

I believe that when people speak of the good qualities and achievements of the niftar, this is a great consolation to the neshama. Everyone that is sitting shiva is part of one bond, a tzeror hachaim, that binds together the aveilim and the niftar. When the neshama feels consolation, everyone else feels a burden being removed from their shoulder. Suddenly, the grief is more bearable. The neshama feels relief, and without even knowing why, the aveilim sense that relief, and the cloud lifts, just a little bit.

I was speaking to someone about the nifteres, and she said that the quality that immediately comes to mind is נעימות, pleasantness, kindness. But we are not talking about a superficial pleasantness, the kind of pleasant that gives rise to the word "pleasantries," a ritualistic, saccharine, non-committal "How are you?" Fine! That's nice" kind of platitude. The נעימות we are talking of something categorically different.

In Neila, when Yom Kippur is about to end, we are beyond Al chet, we are beyond the recitation of sins, and we ask, several times, Ribono shel Olam, save me from "Oshek." למען נחדל מעושק ידינו. What is this Oshek? Oshek means withholding from another what they are entitled to, what you ought to be giving them. Why is this what we pray for Hashem's assistance to avoid it at Neila? How hard is it to avoid? Oshek is mentioned twice in the Torah. In fact, we just had it in Parshas Ki Seitzei, Devarim 24:14-15

לא תעשק שכיר עני ואביון מאחיך או מגרך אשר בארצך בשעריך

ביומו תתן שכרו ולא תבוא עליו השמש כי עני הוא ואליו הוא נשא את־נפשו ולא יקרא עליך אל ה' והיה בך חטא

Rashi says that the repetition in the Torah is because one issur is not enough. It is a terrible sin and it needs a double issur.  And, evidently, it is very hard to overcome! Why? 

Because for most people, sympathy means that the other is a mirror that reflects your own face. You don't really see them at all. I remember how bad I felt for my mother zichronah livracha, who suffered from crippling and painful arthritis in her knees in her last years. But when I wrenched my knee, and needed to wear a brace for a month, suddenly I had much more sympathy for my mother.  It's sad, but it's true.

When a laborer works for you, and you owe him ten dollars, it's easy to say "I'll pay him tomorrow." That is because if you have ten dollars, it is not a lot of money. But if you do not have ten dollars, then it is all the money in the world. The Torah says "It is his life! Don't you dare put off paying him even for one night!"

It's not just money, not by far. People have serious emotional needs. They need a thank you, a smile, a sympathetic ear, and sometimes they need good advice, but most of all they need for someone to care.  You, and only you, have the ability to help this person, but we so often simply don't think about it.  Nobody realizes it, nobody pays attention, אין איש שם על לב,  and they go beaten down, hungry and miserable and lonely.  That is עושק! The person has great need, and you don't even realize how much they need you. Mrs. ...........  had that goodness and the emotional wisdom, that נעימות! that nourished people, that filled a deep need in their souls. 

Mrs. ............. was a role model.  Her extraordinary family has many great qualities, as everyone knows, Baruch Hashem. But this might be the greatest of them all - this rare quality of hers, this נעימות, this is a hallmark of her entire family.  It is right and good that those that love her shed precious tears for her, and those tears are the greatest consolations for a nifteres. But the time for tears is coming to an end. I hope that she has real tanchumin knowing how much she is loved and missed, and of how she changed the lives of so many people, in the family and far beyond. So, too, may the whole family be comforted knowing how proud she is of them, of what they are, and of what they will continue to be, and may the words of David Hamelech be said for her and the entire family, 

ויהי נעם ה' אלקינו עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננה עלינו ומעשה ידינו כוננהו

Rav Chaim Brown sent in the following:

Midrash Rabbah at the end of Koheles:

א, שֶׁבְּשָׁעָה שֶׁאָדָם נִפְטָר מִן הָעוֹלָם, הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא אוֹמֵר לְמַלְאֲכֵי הַשָּׁרֵת רְאוּ מָה הַבְּרִיּוֹת אוֹמְרוֹת עָלָיו, כָּשֵׁר הָיָה, יְרֵא שָׁמַיִם הָיָה פְּלוֹנִי זֶה, מִיָּד מִטָּתוֹ פּוֹרַחַת בָּאֲוִיר.

"Mah briyos omros" = what difference the person made to those left behind. "Mitaso porachas" = it gifts the niftar a lift, so to speak.

Quoted by Rav Zalman Nechemiah Goldberg זצ"ל 's son at his Levayah.

Chukas, Bamidbar 20:1-2. The Life and Death of Miriam: Role and Recognition

Two powerful observations from Reb Berel Povarsky (Ponevezh) about the role of women in our spiritual life, and the vital need to recognize what they do.  As always, when I quote, I take liberties.


I
Moed Kattan 28a– Why is the death of Miriam next to the parsha of the Parah Adumah?  Because just as the Parah brings foregiveness, so, too, the death of a Tzidkanis (or Tzadik) is mechapeir.

Rabbeinu Chananel there says that from the fact that the Parah is called a Chatas it is evident that it must be a mechapeir.  This is how we know that it brings kapparah, and so the contiguity to the death of Miriam acquires a message of Kapparah. 


Reb Berel Povarsky, in his Bahd Kodesh, asks, so why put Miriam next to Parah Adumah, whose aspect of forgiveness is obscure, when the message of Kapparah would be so much more clear if it were placed next to regular Korban Chattas?  If Rabbeinu Chananel has to address the problem that there really is no apparent kappara in Parah Adumah, why make the smichus to Parah Adumah and have to go hunting for din kappara?

He answers that Parah Adumah was outside the Mishkan, but it was done “nochach pnei Ohel Mo’eid,” on Har Hazeisim, far from the Beis Hamikdash- it was vital that the sacrificial service of the Para Aduma be done facing the entrance of the Ohel Moed.  The work of nashim tzidkanios is not in the Beis Medrash, it is in the home and in the street, but it is  nochach pnei Ohel Mo’eid, it is done for the purpose of chizuk hatorah ve’hayir’ah.

He makes an excellent tzushtell: Horios 13a– “Yekarah hee mi’pninim (Mishlei 3::15)”, "it" is more  precious than the avodah of the Kohen Gadol who goes into the pnim, the kodesh kadashim, the sanctum sanctorum.  Now, the "it" in that Gemara refers to limud hatorah, but he makes a tzushtell to all avodos that are done outside the kodesh but whose purpose is to lay the groundwork and create the environment for kedushah.  These preparatory and supportive and foundational works are more precious than the actual service that is done in Pnim, in the Beis Hamikdash.

We can say that הִיא means the avodah that is associated with women.  יְקָרָה הִיא מִפְּנִינִים  The Avodah of women, albeit outside the Beis Hamikdash, albeit quiet and without ceremony and publicity, that avodah is more precious than the cynosure of Avodah, the avoda of the Kohen Gadol on Yom Kippur.

II
20:1-2.  Vatamas sham Miriam...velo hayah mayim la’eidah.  Miriam died....the populace had no water.  Rashi (from Taanis 9a)– the well that had previously supplied their needs, the be’er, was in the merit of Miriam.

Kli Yakar here: the be’er disappeared because they didn't eulogize her properly: when Moshe and Aharon died, (Bamidbar 20:29, Devarim 34:8) it says “vayivku...” but not when Miriam died.

Reb Berel Povarsky asks: if the be’er was in the zechus of Miriam, how can the Kli Yakar say that it disappeared because they weren’t maspid properly?  It disappeared because she died!  It was only there because of her, and with her death, the zechus that brought this miraculous well was no longer there!

He answers that the idea of a proper hesped is that by deep consideration of the life of a Tzadik, one gains an understanding and appreciation of what the Tzadik was, and is motivated to emulate them as well as possible,  and thereby brings forward in this world their life and influence.  It ties the life of the tzadik to the life of the living world.  If they had been maspid Miriam properly, her zechusim would have continued to benefit the generation.  Unfortunately, they just wiped away a tear, and said goodbye, and left her in her grave.  She was no longer tied to this world, and her zechusim no longer were able to benefit them.

III
A comment was sent in, and I like it so much that I'm putting it into the post.  Yasher Koach!
I appreciated this insight into the Gemura in Moed Kuton, and I thought that the homiletic reading of to the Gemura in Horios was also a nice touch. Thanks for sharing this.

I tucked it away in the back of my head for a year, and then I was asked to speak to a group of camp counselors last week, Parshas Chukas. (In my small town, we have a day camp, and every year we bring girls in from "the city" to help out.)

Anyway, I mentioned this insight, and I amplified it by describing the intricate arrangement that was needed to make the pura adima possible (See the Mishna in Pura about the cave in NE Yirushaloyim where women went to give birth and raise their childern in a state of taharah until they were big enough to ride on top of the doors strapped onto the backs of oxen ...).

I said "Who were these women? These children?" We don't know. Their names aren't recorded. But every avodah in the Beis HaMikdash was made possible by their mesiras nefesh outside.

I also pointed out that while the kohen gudol was sequestered for seven days prior to Yom Kippur, and sprinkled on the first and seventh day, the person who burned the pura adima was sprinkled each of the seven days. I said that the avoda outside the BH"M, which is the preparatory work without which the avoda inside the BH"M would not be possible, is more precious and more sensitive to taharah. The mishna says that even those who carried the clay jugs to the cave for the children to carry became tamei after handing them over. Our dealings with gashmius, when dedicated to making possible dealings with kedisha, are the arena of tuma and tahara in our lives.